Dear Menfolk, I know there are some troubling media images out there that might misguide you in your outfitting efforts. In a post-Metrosexual world, it can be hard to make the right fashion choices. But–please–I beg of you, shave your pubey beards, retire your True Religion jeans, and for heaven’s sake, doff your dreadful ironic t-shirts (you didn’t like Motley Crue the first time around). Allow me to guide you in matters relating to style, using a template we can all relate to: Genre Cinema. I implore you to recognize that there are lessons to be learned from these valuable cultural documents, provided one is looking in the right places.
1. Accessories – if you feel like you’re wearing too many, add another. Just look at Coffin Joe–he could have stopped at the top hat and cape, nodding to that earlier icon of evil style, Count Dracula. Instead, CJ makes this statement his own, adding facial hair (well-groomed–take note!) and long, curving Mandarin fingernails. Is this evocation of Fu Manchu an example of cultural appropriation? Nay–I say this is the sign of a worldly fellow who is not willing to accept ethnic stereotypes. Our wicked Brazillian undertaker goes a step further, accessorizing even in his choice of companion–a disfigured hunchback–creating a truly multi-textured style narrative.
2. Leather is always the right choice. Don’t be limited by colors. Sure, chicks dig the bad boy image of black leather, and its has a classic, seasonless appeal cannot be denied. A light-colored leather is perfect for camoflauge, as Diabolik shows us above, and this fresh hue blends seamlessly with Spring’s whimsical color palette.
3. Pair a fabulous hairstyle with a say-something codpiece. In “The New Barbarians,” men are challenged by more than just surviving after the nuclear apocalypse–they need to come up with a garment statement that balances personal expression with all-important Junk Protection. Fred Williamson had no problem kicking it to the ladies, even though his character was burdened with the unfortunate name “Nadir.” Why, you may ask? Clearly his apparel played an important role–Nadir was at the Apex of post-nuke style, with his gold-plated codpiece and sporty headband. Not to be outdone, the marauding Templars sported outfits that coordinated without playing “matchey matchey.” Uniforms don’t have to be uniform–think outside the box! Lest we move on to quickly, let’s not underplay the impact of a sleek half-ponytail or a butch purple mowhawk. Not ready for such a display of follicular flash? Consider some brushed-in highlights, sported so chicly in this film by George Eastman. He’s come miles since “Anthropophagus,” hasn’t he?
4. Forget smiles–let a smirk be your umbrella. Trust me on this one. She looks like she’s all upset, but Satan has clearly won her over with his charms, possibly aided by his flashy cape (see rule 1 above).
5. Don’t be afraid of cosmetics; just make sure you’re the guy with the baseball bat. That’s why the mime gang didn’t get much screen time in “The Warriors”–going half way never works.
6. Pick the right pair of jeans. Related to Rule 5, if you pick the wrong pair of jeans, carry a machine gun. This means you no longer have to fear ironing a crease in the front of your bell-bottoms or sporting a crotch-crushing eighteen-inch rise. Set your inner Urkel free as long as you’ve got the right firepower. Which brings us to Rule 7…
7. The “What Would Helmut Berger Do?” [WWHBD?] Rule. This is related to the Berger Corollary (see footnote here) and, frankly, may not apply to a wider demographic. Still, you could potentially tap into a little bit of that hott Teutonic mojo with a zebra car coat of your own. Try it–what do you have to lose?